Unkle Munky Pg 32
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- This week Munky is tipping... Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Surely this is sacrilege? Unkle Munky says -''' No, it’s Gary Numan? ---- The Munky Principal. Carla from Harrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my extremely pale twelve year old son has taken to fashioning life-size headstones from Lego. Should I be worried, or it just a phase? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Carla, your concerns would seem to be well grounded. Surely he should have grown out of Lego by now? You might want to consider Plasticine? ''Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Dear Banana breath, your reply to Carla’s post regarding her son’s rather unhealthy preoccupation with headstones was little short of deplorable. I swear you don’t have a clue about this agony business. He would require bucket loads of Plasticine to fashion a decent headstone! Surely Meccano would be a safer bet?'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, how many times must I request that you leave the torment to me!!? Meccano is more suited to mechanical engineering procedures (building cranes, dumper trucks… cranes ect). Plasticine will produce a far more realistic headstone and, with a simple rub of the thumb, a new inscription can quite easily be applied whenever the fancy should take the pale young upstart. Carla from Harrow replies - Fcuking useless. I’ll contact Britains’s number one agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner instead! ---- *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Lunch Dear Unkle Munky, in my rush to get here on time I have neglected to pack my Tuna Fish and Mayonnaise sandwiches. Do I have your permission to pop down to the corner shop? I will only be ten minutes or so. Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Emma, these impromptu trips to the corner shop seem to be happening with a frequency that, to be quite frank, is beginning to grind. We are very busy today and I simply cannot afford to have you missing for something as mundane as a Tuna fish and mayonnaise sandwich. You might be interested to note that I am sporting a rather fetching pair of edible undies today. You are more than welcome to have a munch on these and no mistake ;-p ''Ms. Bumton replies - It may surprise you to learn, Spunk stain, that I am not in the habit of eating the pants off a munky! It makes a refreshing change to see you wearing anything! Far be it from me to remove your undies, edible or otherwise. I am going to the corner shop no matter what! You cannot come between a girl and her tuna, it’s just not the done thing.'' 'Unkle Munky replies -' I may as well eat them myself then. I seem to have misplaced my banana surprise sandwich… I wonder what the surprise was? *Banana Surprise. ---- Heart Attack... Harry from Lanarkshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have now been living with my recently re-sprayed girlfriend for almost two weeks. Everything seemed to be fine until she started cutting my salad sandwiches into sickly heart shapes. This may, on the face of it seem like a trivial matter but, I can assure you, there is nothing trivial about the incessant taunts that now accompany my once peaceful lunch break. What can I do Munky? I am at my wits end and no mistake. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Harry, it would appear to me that both your recently re-sprayed girlfriend and yourself are still in the ‘honeymoon’ period of your cohabitation. These edible tokens of her undying love will undoubtedly become stale before the year is through. I would therefore recommend that you ignore the taunts of your colleagues and enjoy these special moments while they last. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future when, as I predict, you will be contacting me with worries regarding turd shaped sandwiches! *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Another ruined lunch break! Dear Semen spillage, your vulgar reply to Harry from Lanarkshire has ruined my lunch and no mistake! I am taking £1.50 from the petty cash tin. There are egg mayonnaise sandwiches on my desk if you want them. Tosser! Unkle Munky replies -''' Thank you Ms. Bumton. I shall be over to collect them just as soon as I have chewed my way through this edible gusset. ---- Kevin from Wolverhampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently learned that one of my closest colleagues has HGV. I was wondering if you knew of any support agencies that might cater for the friends and families of said HGV carriers? 'Unkle Munky says -' Oh fer fcuks sake! Dear Kevin, I can quite categorically inform you that there is not, nor will there ever be, a support agency specifically aimed at the friend’s and family of those who drive Heavy Goods Vehicles! Now, if you don’t mind, I have sandwiches to collect! ---- *A '''memo from Unkle Munky to Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Suggestive sandwich. Dear Ms. Bumton, it has come to my attention that the egg and mayonnaise sandwiches that you were earlier unable to stomach, and which you subsequently offered to my good self, are triangular in shape! Is this some kind of suggestive foreplay on your part Ms. Bumton? Ms. Bumton replies - You may be interested to note that all of the sandwiches from the corner shop are cut in a diagonal fashion! How you can possibly formulate a sexual advance from something as mundane as a triangular shaped sandwich is, to quite frank, both preposterous and sad! Unkle Munky adds -''' You are defiantly hankering for a little Munky magic and no mistake. ---- Steve from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked, ‘Urgent’? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Steve, I did indeed receive your letter marked, ‘Urgent’. I would have replied far earlier, had I not been entertaining the spirit of James Brown with my a-cappella version of his soul classic, ‘Sex machine’. As to your query - Claiming to lose at ’shadow boxing’ simply because a cleaning lady switched off the lights is, to be quite frank, idiotic in the extreme! Your trite excuses only serve to strengthen my suspicions regarding your sanity. Picking fights with defenceless shadows is hardly the act of a sane man. It is with this in mind that I am inviting you on a ‘Unkle Munky Mental Awareness Weekend’. Here you will meet a variety of nutters, some with even stranger symptoms than those described in your letter. Experiencing more extreme mental problems should enable us to view your disturbing issues in a more favourable light. *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Favourable light? Dear Unkle Munky, as a failed shadow boxer, should he not be keeping away from lights? Favourable or otherwise? Unkle Munky says -''' How many times Ms. Bumton!? These deeply agonising problems are not suitable material for the minds of young ladies who, until now, have had only cosmetics and shoes to contemplate! I would, on your part, appreciate a little more respect and far less clothing. And now, if you do not mind, I have breasts to fashion from reclaimed Blu-Tack! ---- Factually Inaccurate Facts. James Brown. ---- Lynne from Eversham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Coronation Street has been going since 1930, making it the longest running soap in TV history? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Lynne, the popular British soap opera of which you speak was first broadcast in December 1960. I can only assume that you have mistaken 1930 for 19:30, the time that said soap is regularly aired. And now, if you don’t mind, I have a nut cluster to consume. ---- Stripped... Ref. The 12th day. ''Dear Unkle Munky, today is the twelfth day of Xmas and, with this in mind, I was wondering if we should perhaps take the decorations down? We would not want bad luck to befall us in 2007, especially with all of the court cases that you currently have pending.'' 'Unkle Munky replies -' Dear Ms. Bumton, what would I do without you? I shall be over to help with said removals just as soon as I have completed level one of ‘Kylie’s computer simulated strip poker’. ''Ms. Bumton adds - Thank fcuk for that. This mistletoe/cauliflower substitution is stinking the place out and no mistake… Aren’t you permanently naked anyway Munky boy!?''' '''Unkle Munky replies -' Bugger! That’s why she keeps winning? I shall be with you shortly. ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...